I wanna passion pit in your ass
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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