Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
