How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
