Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
