I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
