Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
