Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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