Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
