My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
