you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Alive.
So much puke
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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