gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
