oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
