I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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