i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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