im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
