you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
