i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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