wakey wakey hands off snakey
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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