drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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