This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
