seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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