I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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