yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Randomize
