You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
