when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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