I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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