Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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