I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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