Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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