Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
