K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
