I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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