dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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