Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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