Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize