people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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