I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
