Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
