He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
