I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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