i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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