U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
