i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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