So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
