I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
