mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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