On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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