now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
