I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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