my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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