have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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