Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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