someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
