All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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