im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
