we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
