she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
