I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
