remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
