After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize