I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
