i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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