Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
