ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
