He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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