bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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