Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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