you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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