I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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