Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
