I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
