She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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