Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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