Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
