The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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