He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
