apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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